As If there was no one to help you

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It is 2:13 am on the ninth morning of school.I was awakened by what I first thought was playful banter from Elena. She loves to blow raspberries these days. As I listen, I am jolted out of bed almost instinctually as I hear the pattern of her breathing change. I actually think I hold my breath as I race down the stairs, I am not sure if this is out of fear or adrenaline. I touch the light and confirm my gut instinct. I recognize that the time of night most certainly indicates illness. My hand on Elena’s tummy confirms to me that her body temperature is rising, I make sure her arms and legs are safe, comfort her and dash to the kitchen to prepare ibuprofen. Knowing that if I can stop this fever train dead in it’s tracks we may be able to prevent the other side effects that go along with the rescue medications. I fumble through the cabinet. It has been a while, the ibuprofen hiding itself in the back of Elena’s overflowing cabinet is a small reminder of the victory of good days. As I return she is taking a rescue breathe from another seizure. I push the meds in Elena’s tube and ask myself if it is even worth it. It is only the ninth day of school.

Our last pneumonia was on the fourth of July. We had nine weeks illness free. I hate where my mind is going, fear and the illusion that I have control over whether or not Elena gets sick. There is a fine line between living in fear and fighting for prevention. I have learned that both of these fall short.

I begin to pray.

The seizures begin to slow. The minutes between activity increases and their intensity is softened.

I am awake now. I decide to give Elena a vest treatment and nebulizer guessing that pneumonia is our adversary. Although we had so little warning. I am still wrestling with the disappointment that we are only nine days in.

I open Charles Spurgeon.

“How can you glorify God if you are playing the coward?

Saints have often sung God’s high praises in the fires,

but will your doubting and hopelessness,

as if you had no one to help you,

magnify the Most High?”

“Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Thank you God. Forgive me. As if we had no one to help us.

Elena is back to sleep.

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